Living Ain't Free
by halo fire
Summary: What if the typical tables were turned, and Heero was the hopelessly in love one while Duo cared not?


Living Ain't Free  
  
[ 5 29 01 ]  
  
Ack, what is wrong with me!?! I need to finish all these other stories! But anyway, enjoy this one shot I wrote from... eh... eight thirty to eleven o' clock. Excuse the grammatical errors (I'll fix it later); I was in a hurry.  
  
[ Disclaimer ]  
  
I own nothing, including everything Gundam and these Fuel lyrics. The song is called Sunburn, by the way. Oh, and I also don't own Jane's Addiction, or their song "Been Caught Stealing."  
  
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[ The sky was dark this morning ]  
[ Not a bird in the trees ]  
[ And silence hung suspicious and anxious ]  
[ Like a blanket-covered scream ]  
  
Sun filtered into the small room, waking a lithe boy on the hard matress. Prussian blue eyes blinked away the remnants of sleep. Merciless, half-expectations of another occupying the miniscule space next to him were cursed as the young soldier struggled to sit up.  
  
Heero stared hard at the bare, white washed walls and scarce furnishings, then cradled his head in his hands, biting his lip against the misery that threatened to rise up in him. Another day full of thoughtless gazing, wishing and failed attempts reveal what he felt deep inside.  
  
Those endless, violet-blue eyes; he couldn't take not having the expression he wanted in them. An expression that would be only meant for him, if only Duo felt the same way Heero did. But he didn't, and he wouldn't ever.  
  
Because Heero would never admit it.  
  
[ You were gone ]  
[ You were not there for me ]  
[ And I curse the sky and beg the sun ]  
[ To fall all over me ]  
  
Never ever never ever never ever.  
  
It was hopeless, he thought as he rose and walked to the tiny, two by two bathroom connected to his room. /He/ was hopeless.  
  
At first, it had been foolish pride that forbade him from revealing his love for Duo. It would ruin everything, having the Perfect Soldier feel a petty emotion such as love. He could not, /would not/ care for another creature as long as he could help it. How stupid it would be for such a thing as pride keeping him from feeling these tiny firecrackers that exploded in him when he realized that he truly felt.  
  
But then that pride grew into fear. Fear of what their relationship would grow into afterwards, fear of how it would effect their lives, their missions. But he soon realized that Duo might not accept him, and then he feared rejection.  
  
And that was what kept him from spilling the words that hung from his lips every day. This day (he turned on the hot water faucets in his one by one shower, swiftly undressing) would be no different.  
  
[ This life's not for living, baby ]  
[ Living ain't free ]  
[ If I could find my way back to me ]  
[ Let the sun fall down over me ]  
[ Let the sun fall down ]  
  
Sweet emptiness, he felt as he stepped into the path of the steaming hot water, which replaced his thoughts with waves of pain. He shut his eyes, running his hands over his face and through his hair, slicking the dark mess back so that the excess water dribbled down his neck. He pressed the balls of his palms to his forehead, grinding his teeth against the pain and the thoughts and emotions that were welling up inside again.  
  
Why was it so hard?  
  
Why did it hurt so much?  
  
Because it was so strong, and he was trying to hold it all back with a will that was quickly breaking down. It was like trying to hold a raging wave with a half-assedly built dam: it would hold the first few times, but if the force continued to pound on relentlessly, it would all break. It would break, and the force would come on with a vengence.  
  
How pitiful he was, as he turned off the water and was swept up in the tingling sensation of the absense of the heat. A once strong young soldier who fought for peace now reduced to a shuddering heap of misery holding on to life by one sinewy thread of violet eyes and chestnut braids.  
  
[ All my friends are searching ]  
[ Quiet, desperately ]  
[ Look into their eyes, you'll see the faithless crying ]  
[ Save me, save me, save me ]  
  
Heero dressed into his usual uniform of black spandex shorts and a green tanktop. His hair still dripped water from the tips, but it had dried well enough for him to head down the hall into the kitchen. Time to begin another day.  
  
Momentarily sutprised, he was, when old rock music drifted to his ears as he strode down the white washed hall. The surprise quickly turned to dread as a tenor voice joined in with the music. Duo always slept late, and whoever was up first made breakfast. No one else was up.  
  
Except him.  
  
"Been caught stealing once, when I was five," sang Duo, hips swinging as he flipping sunny-side eggs on the stove. Heero quickly averted his gaze, mouth parted as he took several deep breaths. "I enjoy stealing," Duo went on, sliding some eggs onto a plate, oblivious to Heero's entrance. "It's just as simple as that."  
  
Only when the fierce screeching of a chair against a concrete floor was heard did the Shinigami realize Heero's presence. "Oh hey oh, Heero!" He cried, in a weak attempt at the boy's native language. The soldier merely nodded, breath still coming in fast.  
  
[ What are they to feel ]  
[ Who are they to be ]  
[ What am I to do with, do with me, just let the sun]  
[ Fall over me ]  
[ This life's not living, baby ]  
[ Living ain't free ]  
[ If I can't find my way back to me ]  
[ Let the sun fall down over me ]  
[ Let the sun fall down ]  
  
Curse this pilot's fashion sense! Duo wore nothing but a pair of black silk, drawstring pants hanging loosely on his hips. His braid swung with every single movement, sensitive to the very air it sliced.  
  
Heero's eyes darted from Duo, to Duo's face, to Duo's eyes, to the circular glass table, to his own lap and back to Duo. His chest was heaving, and if he didn't do something, the fellow pilot would think something was wrong and touch his bare shoulder in concern, and Heero /knew/ that if Duo touched him right now he would have no choice but to kiss him and he couldn't kiss Duo. He couldn't he couldn't he couldn't but oh he wanted to, he so desperately wanted to.  
  
So he did the first thing that any emotionally distressed boy would do, one that was backed into a corner with no choices left. He said the first that was on his mind. That was is biggest mistake.  
  
"I love you," said the Perfect Soldier as the cycle fell to his lap, his usual montone voice shaking with feeling.  
  
There was a long moment of silence as Duo didn't chew the piece of toast he had just bitten into. What is gone as soon as you say it? Silence. Was silence good? He doubted it.  
  
But then Duo burst into laughter, and Heero looked up in surprise. "That's funny, Heero," wailed Duo as he set his toast down on a napkin and nudged some bacon with a spatula.  
  
[ Till my eyes cry out ]  
[ Till my head is free from doubt ]  
[ Till my lungs sigh right out ]  
[ Till I'm wiser ]  
  
"I'm serious," cried Heero as he started to shake. Quaking with his greatest fear coming true. Duo was rejecting him. He was laughing at the words that meant so much to him, that finally were uncorked and shone naked to the world. Duo was /laughing/ at his words.  
  
But no, Duo had stopped laughing, and his expression grown serious as he turned off the gas and rested his hands on either side of the stove. He sighed and chuckled, scratching the back of his head as he walked around the table, bare feet making little squelching noises on the floor.  
  
Palms gripping the back of the chair across from the soldier, Duo regarded Heero carefully. For once, the Shinigami's expression was completly blank, a look that was the total opposite of what Heero wished for. He was so stupid! So utterly devoid of intelligence; it was the only thing that could bring him here.  
  
[ Let the sun ]  
[ Fall over me ]  
[ This life's not living, baby ]  
[ Living ain't free ]  
[ If I can't find my way back to me ]  
[ Let the sun fall down ]  
  
The sound of doors opening and commotion going on down the hall signaled the other pilots awakenings. It also seemed to click something in Duo's brain.  
  
The Great Destroyer grinned and laughed, "Like a brother! I get it!" Heero doubled over with a strangled, wet cry as Duo slapped him on the back as he walked to the stove to finish setting the plates.  
  
The Once-Perfect Soldier stared increduloulsly as the three unknowing Gundam pilots filed in, greeting them both without a thread of knowledge about the event that had just taken place.  
  
Heero swallowed the bile that had risen up in his throat, and stood up quickly. "I'm going for a walk," he whispered, for he feared that if he said it any louder it would reveal the crackling and tears behind his voice.  
  
Fear. No more fear! He had nothing left now that his biggest fear had been realized.  
  
He stumbled out of the room and through the back door that lead to a large clearing surrounded by heavy forest brush.  
  
[ Let the sun ]  
[ Fall over me ]  
[ This life's not living, baby ]  
[ Living ain't free ]  
[ If I can't find my way back to me ]  
[ Let the sun fall down over me ]  
  
The shattered warrior collasped to his knees when he reached the clearing, too aware of the tears that had started to fall down his face, for the burned like fire licking his face.  
  
Duo had /known/. He had known exactly what Heero had meant. He had seen it in those amethystine-eyes that hid nothing. And still he had faked that knowledge for something completly different. He had broken the soldier. Duo truly was the Great Destroyer.  
  
[ Let the sun fall down over me ]  
  
But it wasn't Duo's fault. It was his own doing that had made him this way. If he had had more control, he wouldn't have said anything and he'd be eating breakfast normally with the rest of the Gundam pilots.  
  
No more fear, not ever. His biggest fear had been realized, and there was nothing else that could frighten him. Now, he would truly be emotionless.  
  
[ Let the sun fall down over me ]  
  
Except for the misery that would fill up every hole that had just been burnt into him. What could he do what could he do what could he do? Why did there even have to be anything left to do?  
  
He could just sit here on his legs, crying because he had been deprived of the only thing he had ever craved, and just let himself drown in the sunlight until that too, became intangible for him and he swam in the darkness that matched the color of his perfection. Cracked with nothing left but a torn thread of violet eyes and chestnut braids.  
  
[ Let the sun fall down over me ]  
  
.... Owari.  
  
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Weird, I know. All right, petty servant, go review! ^^ 


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